For Tanja x

Today I bought the beautiful dress you had planned to wear to my wedding. I found myself telling the shop girl the whole story and she was so devastated but also honoured. I'm so sad you wont be there to see all our friends together. I cant really make it real this evening, writing seems to help although all words feel like naff films or bad song lyrics. over dinner, Ben and I listened to the tapes you made me when we were 16. we were able to laugh at your nerdy humour and english accent. I hope to play those to Sol at some point. how emmbarrasing!! so strange to think of us sitting at that same table with Lee less than a month ago. I'm so dying to know what your making of it all right now... the news bulletins, my calls with Gail Owen!!, the world wide response, my sitting up in bed convinced you were there sending messages to my mobile phone!! your dairy milk video. my ability to carry on shopping around Brighton with George like its a bloody normal day. He wished he had met you....you've touched people you've never even met! now thats talent!!
When I asked you for some sign last night as I lay awake, the room illuminated and my heart raced.... It was the hall light and the neighbour going to work.... too funny. but still I've decided to take that light as some reminder of your spirit. whenever there is a crack in the clouds, a glint on a glass, a special sunset or a blanket of stars, I will know you are there with me. I have to let myself have this. Your curiosity, generosity, wonder, determination, artistry, patience, impatience + fearlessness inspire me now more than ever. I feel pushed by you already to make my creative ideas manifest, to show my affection for those I love and to grasp my life by its balls, live the dream and have the adventure.
You knew me the best my goldest, my chookie (never knew how to spell that), my touchy Tanja, my Olive Oil, my very best friend. I just wish I could glimpse you as an old eccentric lady ......you would do it so well.
Lastly to say how proud I am of you. The big job! your loving gorgeous Sol. your jet setting life, your honest brilliant work, your wonderful wonderful friends and family.
We will all keep you so vivid in our minds and are hearts stretched wide. I miss those brilliant hugs.
As you wrote... Tanja, "I more than love you" x Theo