notes from an airport

sometimes.......

TANJA
occured to me as a God.

I never really allowed myself to believe she could love me. Because she seemed like a Great, so she must have been out of my reach. But she sent me kisses and I touched her long fingers.

Even with my fear between us she loved me.

She held me as fundamental in some of her brilliant work, and and she made me into more than I could comprehend. I knew her to be the biggest future contributor to international theatre alive, and I put all my hopes on her.

To me she was a God because I never had Faith like this before. Her creative genius was unquestionable to me. Her power and passion were unfathomable to me. Her penetrating goodness, her soul-spliting work ethic, her fast and tremendously flexible thought processes.

She demanded excellence and she walked as a demonstration of Greatness.

Our grief is endless but our transformation is perpetual. She is forever caught on this earth as our saviour. We are robbed and yet suspended in an anticipation so intense it is Bliss.

My Gracious Leader, I am obsessed with you for my duration. Your memory will lead me further than I think I can go at every turn.


and other times........
I know you are not God. i know you are a dag. i know you are hilarious. i know i love you when we are not at work.
i dont know how to approach this loss. if i dont worship you now, then you are just Tanny who went. I know thats what happened but that is not ok. I need you to be God to me.